Well, this is me.

• I can slide up poles in fire stations.
• During periods of worldwide strife, I sleepwalk through the country to steal from the rich and give to the poor.
• My rain dances change the phase of El Nino and usher new eras of music.
• I fought with Roosevelt in the Rough Riders.
• I allow the color purple to exist.
• I can fully satisfy your appetite with the perfectly chosen meal by reading your palm.
• I organize forests, disperse rioters, and realign tires with both hands tied behind my back.
• My law enforcement power includes deputization from 26 municipalities, 8 soverign nations, and 3 fish and wildlife services.
• Sometimes I improvise Shakespeare while waiting in the elevator.
• I hear trees fall in forests when nobody is around.
• I have won against chess grandmasters in their homes, rolled 7 over one thousand consectutive times in Las Vegas, and safely escaped from the 3rd Canadian firesquad on 11 seperate occasions.
• In different circles, I am known as inhabiting the center of all Venn diagrams.
• I examine the final plates of printing presses for spelling errors.
• I have been known to single-handedly modify the heights of various 'highest points' of the world, much to the chagrin of cartographers and record-enthusiasts alike.
• I run with scissors in my hands.
• Nobody has ever seen me drop my bread with the butter facing downward.
• In the winter, I hibernate for exactly the length of time of the first and last freezes.
• When there was that shortage of orange juice in the 1980s, I assembled a team of manatees and alligators to an import/export summit, relieving the world's lack of pulpy citrus product while co-signing the first armistice valid for Florida's underwater territories.
• I gave Clint Eastwood his trademark grimmace.
• I claim songwriting credits in at least 3 places of the Hot-100 Billboard list at any given time.
• I can decide which wire to cut, tell you how many people it takes to screw that lightbulb, and count the licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-Pop.
• The Danish have made me a crown prince for my artful woodwork.
• Using quantum tunneling, I finish 5k races in 4.8 kilometers.
• I run a chain of petting zoos.
• I will always be let in the store when I get there 5 minutes after closing.
• I converse with dogs using frequencies unheard by all humans.
• Movie stars let me use their names as pseudonyms when I star in motion pictures.
• I ford rivers in hazardous conditions.
• I have never failed to get upgraded to first class from standby.
• Restaurant owners across all 50 states give me standing reservations for every day of the year.
• I weep for the young, I respect the elderly.
• When there seems to be no hope, I champion lost causes back to life.
• My prowess in archery, in swordfights, and in the bedroom is known all along the silk road.
• I can sharpen knives with my steely gaze.
• I would reveal the identity of D.B. Cooper, but choose not to.
• I have played every single role in 'The Music Man,' and filled in for the lighting man when he couldn't make it that Thursday.
• I have scored a record in every sporting league created since 1893.
• The song of the sirens lull me to sleep each night.
• I save the wicked, heal the lame, and grow the largest pumpkins.
• Dishes I cook never need another pinch of salt.